Soft Lips Obispo

As the twenty-first century wore on, life in California got stranger and stranger. A good example was the state lottery and what you could win besides money. In the summer of 2035, the prize was this: twelve changes to the official state map, any changes that the winner wished, permanent until future lottery winners made further changes. 

That was the summer that Mr. Patel and Mrs. Katel had the winning ticket. Being of an eccentric bent, they were delighted with the prize and lost almost no time breaking out their Rand McNally, Thomas Guides, and AAA fold-up maps.

“I’ve been waiting my whole life for this” raved Mr. Patel, small bits of foam forming at the corners of his mouth like a rabid dog on the prowl. He said that to his neighbors and to the local news channel. Sometimes he said it in his sleep. Mrs. Katel’s response was somewhat more contained, although inwardly the gears of her mind were fast at work at this unprecedented opportunity to make geographic name changes.

The Patel-Katels set their minds to the task and each came up with a list of six proposed changes to the map of California.

Mrs. Katel’s list:

1. California becomes Caliphoneya (spoken with a deep southern accent).
2. Barstow becomes Barstool.
3. Santa Cruz becomes Santa Cruzcontrol.
4. San Bernardino becomes San Berniesanders.
5. Carpinteria becomes The Carpenters.
6. Ojai becomes Oh-hi-there.

Mr. Patel’s list:

1. San Luis Obispo becomes Soft Lips Obispo.
2. Bakersfield becomes Baker’s Dozen.
3. Solvang becomes Solvent.
4. Truckee becomes Truckstop.
5. Route 14 becomes Route 14.5.
6. Ojai becomes Ohio. 

They hadn’t anticipated that they would pick the same city. In a state the size of California, the largest state in the union by population, that seemed unlikely. They would have to choose one of the two names, then add a twelfth change.

For the twelfth change, they agreed to turn Soledad into Soledad O’Brien. But on the subject of Ojai, they could not agree.

“What do you mean turning Ojai into ‘Oh-hi-there’?” shouted Mr. Patel. “That’s just plain silly. Clearly the town is calling out to be renamed ‘Ohio’, giving it the solid Midwestern backbone it always secretly craved!”

To which Mrs. Katel responded, “Solid Midwestern backbone? The town craves no such thing! You clearly don’t know Ojai. The people there are way more likely to go for ‘Oh-hi-there’. They will embrace the humor, the innovation.”

“Innovation?” said Mr. Patel. “You call that innovation? Maybe a ten-year-old’s idea of innovation. Would you be willing to change it to ‘Jai Alai’?”

“Jai alai?” responded Mrs. Katel. “You mean that Basque bouncy-ball game they play in Bridgeport, Connecticut? No! That would be a terrible name for Ojai. Sorry but I’m not changing my proposal for Ojai.”

Which left them with no choice but to contact the Lottery Commissioner so as to resolve the dispute. The Lottery Commissioner invited them to his office in Sacramento.

“This is what we’re going to do” said Commissioner Schwarzenegger. “We’re going to flip a coin. Heads, ‘Ohio’, tails ‘Oh-hi-there’. May the better man win.”

The ‘better man’ turned out to be Mrs. Katel.

And that is how Ojai changed its name to ‘Oh-hi-there’.

- copyright 2019 by P.T. Gachot