The unbearable complexity of Mr. Shakespeare

“Can’t you just speak like a normal person?!” screamed Mrs. Shakespeare at her husband William. “I don’t know what your problem is, all I know is that your roundabout way of saying things just drives me crazy”. 

“As you like it”, said William. “All’s well that ends well. Really, this is much ado about nothing”. 

If she was completely humorless before he said this, her expression became a notch even more humorless, if that were even possible.

Concerned about the seriousness that charged the air like static electricity, William said “Perhaps my lady would have the pleasure of challenging me to a game of cards?”

“There you go again!!” screamed Mrs. Shakespeare. “Why do you have to say it that way? I find it very... very passive aggressive. If you’re going to insult me, do it directly to my face please.”

“My lady” William replied, and now his expression took on a new level of discomfort. “My lady, as you well know, since I was a lad I was schooled in the fine arts of applying my mind to rhetoric and wit, subtlety and complexity, and the endlessly unsolvable but infinitely describable mystery of our world. Everything they taught me prepared me for a life of crafting language in the most original and artistic manner possible. Do I hear you correctly that you expect me to interact in a most bland and unembellished way? How now?”

It was true. William thought that the whole point of it all - of civilization, of culture, of language and art, and in particular education, was to establish and revel in a certain level of complexity, to journey to the far reaches of it, as far away from mere simplicity and directness as possible. The idea of anything otherwise sent him into a deep state of confusion.

Mrs. Shakespeare sat there gazing at William, her mouth slightly agape, a look of great intensity and confusion also dominating her face. Despite the unhappy circumstances, her face, in fact her whole being, was pleasing to behold - something one of the Dutch masters might have painted with great feeling.

Right as William was thinking these thoughts, Mrs. Shakespeare produced a cigarette, put it in her mouth, ignited it, took a long drag, and then exhaled a smoky concoction of over 7000 chemicals, about 69 of which had been proven by the FDA to cause cancer. After that, she turned away and turned on the television. 

- copyright 2020 by P.T. Gachot

The Ascendancy of Breakfast

One of the most unusual events of 21st century history was the abolition of lunch and dinner and the ascendency of breakfast as the sole primary meal of the day.

Several factors contributed to this development. It didn’t hurt that of the day’s three meals, breakfast was the most well-defined. There are more specific associations with breakfast - juice, coffee, toast, eggs - than with other meals, which are more like blank slates and therefore more difficult to solve. Beyond that, there is universal agreement that no matter when you “break fast” and have that first meal of the day, it is an important meal, an essential meal, THE essential meal.

Who among us doesn’t have fond breakfast memories? Whether it be the sounds and smells of your mom busy in the kitchen while you’re waking up in bed, or a long, leisurely, life-affirming meal at a breakfast / brunch restaurant - those shrines dedicated to the enjoyment of breakfast, a wholesome, Apollonian joy, basking in sunshine and the spirit of newsprint and crossword puzzles - these memories have a power of their own. 

The creators of the aforementioned breakfast / brunch restaurants understand this and stake their livelihoods on the eternal appeal of breakfast. Their customers are active believers in the cause. It is not difficult to understand the leap that breakfast can take for some people when it goes from pleasing ritual and pastime to cult, religion and movement.

That is exactly what happened in the second decade of the 21st century. Breakfast turned into a cult, a religion and a movement. 

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It just so happened that there were people high up in government who were massive breakfast enthusiasts. So, when a grass roots surge in the meal’s popularity swept the nation, these high placed advocates lost no time in seizing the moment. A bill was introduced that proposed the abolition of lunch and dinner and the establishment of breakfast as the sole, primary meal of the day, a meal that could take place any time between 3 am and 5 pm, for as long or short a time anyone wanted. The bill also clearly stated that while certainly it was an opportunity to celebrate familiar breakfast foods in the usual venues, people were also free to define breakfast however they wanted. 

For example, if someone felt that a mountain of baked ziti drenched in pesto sauce resting on a ten inch Margherita pizza captured the spirit of breakfast, then they were free to call it breakfast. If someone else defined breakfast as a glass of V8 juice followed by a jog around the block, a yoga routine, and re-reading certain short stories by William Faulkner, then that too could be called breakfast. For another person, it may involve sipping a can of Hawaiian Punch while composing poetry by their favorite window. In fact, just about any food or activity under the sun, so long as they were legal, could be defined as breakfast.

The beauty of the Breakfast Bill, which passed unanimously, was the extent to which it simplified life on the one hand, and opened the door for a creative re-structuring of life on the other. Most people found the transition very liberating. Never again did they have to worry about what they would have for lunch or dinner. The few meals that fell outside of breakfast - popcorn and herb tea with a movie, or 2 am lemon juice followed by a hot bath - were universally tolerated. Afternoon coffee with a pastry was generally considered part of breakfast.

After a few years of implementation, there was a consensus that any food or activity occurring ANY time of day could be called breakfast, although technically, according to the books, it still ran from 3 am to 5 pm.

Not surprisingly, there was an increase in the number of breakfast restaurants. Also not surprisingly, the combined effects of simplifying life and fostering creativity resulted in a happier population.

So there you have it - the ascendancy of breakfast.


- copyright 2020 by P.T. Gachot